Utopian News Network (UNN) – Senator Caught Cheating Sorry He Was Caught

Article by: Shawn Padraic Murphy

      Senator John Ensign (Rep-NV) was caught cheating on his wife. As a result of this affair, he has agreed not to run for re-election. However, it was what he said when he was caught that surprised the public.

      Ensign stated at a televised press conference that he was, “Sorry he was caught,” but didn’t actually apologize to his wife. “Let’s be realistic here. I don’t love my wife; she’s only there so people know I’m a family man.”

      Amid the other things he stated, Ensign also said that, “this was the 17th time he had cheated on his wife since they were married. “I travel a lot; I like to sample different types of woman. Come on; I am a man after all. My only complaint is that I wish that I could have kept this a secret as long as Mark Souder has.” After making this comment, an aid pulled Ensign aside and told him that Mark Souder had never been implicated in a sex scandal. Ensign then stated that he meant to name someone else.

      Ensign continued, “I will not apologize, because if I hadn’t cheated, I wouldn’t have had the fantastic sex I’ve had the last year with this individual.” The woman whom Ensign had an affair with (a former staff member) stated in response later that day, “What? I’m supposed to care whether someone is married or not? I mean, I know I was, but, I mean, this guy had a lot of power and money, and that really turns me on. Beside, I’m not running for office or anything, so I don’t see why I need to worry about having any morals.”

      Ensign continued to defend his stance against the protection of marriage during his confession speech. “Marriage is a sacred institution given to us by God, and we must continue to safeguard it from the gays that are trying to get married themselves, and stop same sex couples that live together (which is also an affront to marriage) from being able to adopt, which will corrupt marriage even further.”

      Senator Paul Stanley (Rep-TN) stood up for Ensign’s unique speech, stating, “I wish I could be so blunt. I mean, about things in general; I don’t mean to imply that I, too, am cheating on my wife.”

      After the conference Ensign was admitted to Carson Valley Medical Center and was treated for head trauma as a result of a blunt object to the head. The attacker is still unknown.